I’m still here.

Or am I?

Written by Dave Feinberg, as seen in Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay.

I’m sure that I will always be
A lonely number like root three.
The three is all that’s good and right.
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign?
I wish instead I were a nine,
For nine could thwart this evil trick
with just some quick arithmetic.
I know I’ll never see the sun
As 1.7321.
Such is my reality,
A sad irrationality.
When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three
As quietly co-waltzing by.
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer.
We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands.
Our square root signs become unglued:
Your love for me has been renewed.

Sure, the flash blips and beeps are as annoying as hell, and it doesn’t work 95% of the time, but if you’re patient - like I was - you, too, can get a Simpson version of yourself! Introducing Simpsonize Me, brought to you by the greasy folks at Burger King.

Upload a decently-large photo (not too large, as it doesn’t like that) of your mug, indicate a few settings, and then go watch a movie. Be prepared to wait a good 15-20 minutes for it to process. “But what about the countdown? It only says 20 seconds!” you say. Fool. This countdown will keep resetting itself to higher and higher numbers. But what do you care, you’re watching a movie! Patience, young padawan. You will soon be rewarded with a “tweak mode”, allowing you to make your character perfect. Yay!

Level 1
( ) Smoked A Cigarette [proud of it too]
( ) Smoked A Cigar
( ) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
(x) Drank Alcohol

SO FAR: 1

Level 2
(x) Are / Been In Love
(x) Been Dumped
(x) Shoplifted
( ) Been Fired
( ) Been In A Fist Fight

SO FAR: 4

Level 4
(x) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(x) Skipped School
( ) Slept With A Co-worker
(x) Seen Someone / Something Die [poor Yancha]

SO FAR: 7

Level 5
(x) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your Facebook Friends [did]
( ) Been To Paris
( ) Been To Spain
(x) Been On A Plane
( ) Thrown Up From Drinking

SO FAR: 9

Level 6
(x) Eaten Sushi
(x) Been Snowboarding
(x) Met Someone BECAUSE Of Facebook [Mark Kishimoto]
( ) Been in a Mosh Pit

SO FAR: 12

Level 7
( ) Been In An Abusive Relationship
(x) Taken Pain Killers
(x) Love/loved Someone Who You Cant Have [sigh]
(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(x) Made A Snow Angel

SO FAR: 16

Level 8
( ) Had A Tea Party
(x) Flown A Kite
(x) Built A Sand Castle
( ) Gone mudding (offroading)
(x) Played Dress Up

SO FAR: 19

Level 9
(x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
(x) Gone Sledding
(x) Cheated While Playing A Game
(x) Been Lonely
(x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School

SO FAR: 24

Level 10
(x) Watched The Sun Set
( ) Felt An Earthquake
( ) Killed A Snake

SO FAR: 25

Level 11
(x) Been Tickled
(x) Been Robbed / Vandalized
( ) Been cheated on
(x) Been Misunderstood

SO FAR: 28

Level 12
(x) Won A Contest
( ) Been Suspended From School
(x) Had Detention
( ) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident

SO FAR: 30

Level 13
(x) Had / Have Braces [for 5 freaking years]
( ) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
( ) Danced in the moonlight

SO FAR: 31

Level 14
(x) Hated The Way You Look
(x) Witnessed A Crime
(x) Pole Danced
(x) Questioned Your Heart
( ) Been obsessed with post-it-notes [a label maker doesn't count]

SO FAR: 35

Level 15
(x) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
(x) Been Lost
(x) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World [Australia/New Zealand]
(x) Swam In The Ocean
(x) Felt Like You Were Dying

SO FAR: 40

Level 16
(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep
(x) Played Cops And Robbers
(x) Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
(x) Sang Karaoke
(x) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins

SO FAR: 45

Level 17
(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
(x) Made Prank Phone Calls
(x) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
(x) Kissed In The Rain [Scottie]

SO FAR: 49

Level 18
(x) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
(x) Watched The Sun Set/ sun rise With Someone You Care/Cared About
(x) Blown Bubbles
(x) Made A Bonfire On The Beach or anywhere [I'm pro]

SO FAR: 53

Level 19
(x) Crashed A Party
(x) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People [5 weeks, three summers]
(x) Gone Rollerskating / Blading
(x) Had A Wish Come True
( ) Been Humped By A Monkey (who wrote this list?)

SO FAR: 57

Level 20
(x) Worn Pearls
( ) Jumped Off A Bridge
(x) Screamed "Penis" or "Vagina"
( ) Swam With Dolphins

SO FAR: 59

Level 22
(x) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/ice Cube
( ) Kissed A Fish
(x) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes
( ) Sat On A Roof Top

SO FAR: 61

Level 23
(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
(x) Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
( ) Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours
( ) Recently stayed Up for a while talking to someone you care about

SO FAR: 63

Level 24
(x) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(x) Climbed A Tree
(x) Had/Been In A Tree House
( ) Been scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone

SO FAR: 67

Level 25
( ) Believed In Ghosts
( ) Have had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
( ) Gone Streaking
( ) Visited Jail

SO FAR: 67

Level 26
( ) Played Chicken
( ) Been Pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger
(xxx) Broken A Bone
(xxxxxx) Been Easily Amused

SO FAR: 70 (or 77)

Level 27
(x) Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later
( ) Made A Porn Video/got asked to make one
(x) Caught A Butterfly
(x) Laughed So Hard You Cried
(x) Cried So Hard You Laughed

SO FAR: 74

Level 28
(x) Mooned/Flashed Someone
(x) Had Someone Moon/Flash You
(x) Cheated On A Test
(x) Forgotten Someone's Name
(x) French Braided Someones Hair
(x) Gone Skinny Dipping
( ) Been Kicked Out Of Your House
( ) Tried to hurt yourself

SO FAR: 80

Level 29
(x) Rode A Roller Coaster
(x) Went Scuba-Diving/Snorkeling
(x) Had A Cavity
( ) Black-Mailed Someone
( ) Been Black Mailed [someone threw a show at me once]

SO FAR: 83

Level 31
( ) Been Used
(x) Fell Going Up The Stairs
(x) Licked A Cat
(x) Bitten Someone
(x) Licked Someone

SO FAR : 87

Level 32
( ) Been shot at / held at gunpoint
( ) Had sex in the rain
( ) Flattened someones tires
( ) Rode your car/truck until the gas light came on
( ) Got five dollars or less worth of gas

Total: 87

From Dan on Facebook.

1. EVER BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT RING? no.
2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP? a year and a half.
3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED? a shadowbox from the Kostiuks.
4. EVER DROPPED A CELL PHONE? probably, though I haven't had my own cell in years and I'm
careful with others'.
5. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT? yesterday.
6. THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON? electronics, food, rent.
7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE? frozen vanilla yogurt with berries.
8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? stature
9. FAVORITE SONG? Spem in Alium by Tallis for it's sheer power, Carissimi's Jephte for performing,
El Scorcho for the lyrics.
10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE? London, Ontario.
11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED: Cardinal Carter Academy for the Arts/Ontario Science Centre.
12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER: -
13. FAVORITE MALL STORE: RW&Co.
14. LONGEST JOB YOU HAD: Famous Players SilverCity, perhaps. Highschool job.
15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE? lots of boardgames; lots of die.
16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?: no.
17. LAST WEDDING YOU ATTENDED: my cousin Tamara's beautiful and extravagant wedding,
Thanksgiving weekend.
18. FIRST FRIEND YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY: Sarah, cause she's in the next room.
by phone, Julia/parents.
19. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND: the 18th. but I want her to come to KBBQ tomorrow.
20. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT: if it qualifies, swiss chalet. if not, then perhaps arby's
just for the fries.
21. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD:
23. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS? went to moxie's today.. that was fine.
24. CAN YOU COOK? yep, though I'm not too much with experimenting.
25. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?: I don't.
28. MOST DISLIKED FOODS: mushrooms, pickles, cooked carrots
29. THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF: i'm not afraid to pursue things that interest me,
regardless of criticism
30. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF: i get distracted
32. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB?: 14 hours (ontario place, canada day)
33. FAVORITE MOVIE? fifth element (perhaps)
34. CAN YOU SING? i certainly hope so
35. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED? performed at roy thomson hall on the 16th
36. LAST KISS? when I meant it, with Michael mere minutes before he broke up with me. for fun,
Andre at the Norm Boring party.
37. LAST MOVIE RENTED: i haven't rented in months and month and months
38. ONE THING YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT? my underwear
39. FAVORITE VACATION SPOT? not sure... though I'd like to actually see some of Seattle next time
I'm there.
43. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?: currently on my parent's laptop, I own a desktop that is
having trouble right now, and I want to invest in a toshiba laptop.
44. FAVORITE COMEDIAN?: mneh
45. DO YOU SMOKE? nonono.
46. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES? usually in my PJs.
47. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT? Po.
48. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?: they have, yes.
49. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE? 0.
50. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST? french toast.
51. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?: some coffee drinks. also half hot chocolate/coffee.
52 HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? sunny side up.
53. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?: of course it exists, to say nothing of it's accuracy.
54. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?: one of the Jungs. Julia wasn't home.
55. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST?: -
56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED? -
58. NUMBER OF PILLOWS?: four on the bed, two utilized.
59. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?: comfy jeans, satin mexx tank top (teal), brown
dynamite zip
60. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC: "goddamn those half japanese girls, do it to me ev'ry time..."
61. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J?: i don't like pbj
62. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?: moderately. my grandfather was a grand champion or something,
but i missed that gene.
63. CAN YOU SWIM?: yessir.
64. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?: chocolate crackle
65. DO YOU LIKE MAPS? i do. i'm a very visual spatial person. in grade seven, anna turek and
I won the city orienteering finals.
66. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF: i own a pair of socks with sushi on them.
68. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?: of course.
69. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON: autumn, though not this year.
70. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID? we were playing a board game and sarah
kostiuk was trying to draw "dummy"
71. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING? 9:15, sadly.
72. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER?: new snow.
73. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET?: -
75. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?: Tora.
76. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED?: ninjas > pirates > you
77. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND? the kishimotos do new years. just to give you an idea,
I make 20 dozen devilled eggs.
78. BIRTHDATE: January 15th, 1983.
79. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW: playing settlers.
85. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP? yes.
87. ARE YOU SMILING?: no.
89. DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW: do I ever.
90. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO?: england.
92. ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?: no. not even in university.
93. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?: if you were dating someone, you love them, and they break up
with you.... does that count?
94. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME?: abigail
95. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT?: turquoise, blue, black, purples
96. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST?: if accepted, my courses will start in October.
97. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH? no.
98. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE?: no.
99. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER: no, unless Ju and the Jungs count.
100. ARE YOU UPSTAIRS?: above the basement, below the second floor.
102. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL? yes, though not since I volunteered there about
7 years ago.
103. DO YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE ANYONE PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW? yes, but I guess only if
he'd like to see me.
104. WHAT JEWELRY ARE YOU WEARING? just my watch right now. it's hot.
105. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER THIS SURVEY? go up to bed with a kitty and a book of
kakuro.

Goodnight.